So… I checked into the hotel today. Gotta be back by the latest 2300…

I’m leaving tomorrow. I take my final Oath of Enlistment tomorrow in front of my girlfriend and family. I’m nervous. Excited. Scared. Sad.

I’m gonna miss my girl… I already do. I love her so much… I feel bad on leaving her, but this is something that means a lot to me. Like, I want to do this. It’s gonna be a good thing for us in the end. Yeah, I mean… 10 weeks of Basic, 10th week is catch-up week on classes and Family Day and Graduation… I get to see her, and my Mom and whoever else is coming.. Then I have 16 weeks of AIT… All together I’ll be gone for 26 weeks. After that, I still would have 3 years and 3 weeks of my Active component left… And I know I’ll get Leave in between all this time I would have, but, I’m gonna miss her. I know the moment I can come back home to AR, the first thing I’m going to do is give her the biggest hug in the world and the biggest kiss in the world… I’m going to miss her so much. I wish she knew that I am going to miss her just as much as she’s going to miss me. I love her as much as she loves me, if not, MORE…

I hope she reads this… So she knows that I’m always going to be thinking about her every step I go at BCT. I love her so much… I’ll even name my BR after her… I’ll write to her when I can.. When I’m able to use the phone, I will call her and talk to her.

I love my girlfriend. I love her with all my heart and soul and everything that I am and will be. She’s my heart and soul and my rock. She means everything to me, and well… I want to give her the moon if she wanted it. I want to give her everything she could possibly need and want in life.

She is the love of my life, and nothing can ever change that.

armygirlfriendlovebasictraining

I want to beat the shit out of someone. I don’t think it’s just any random person. Just one person. I’m absolutely enraged. My heart is pounding. I’m slowly seeing red. I’m so fucking mad I can cry because I’m absolutely fucking mad. I’m pissed. I’m enraged. I’m angry.

I’m close to saying that I want to feel the life die of this person in my hands. I want to choke the shit out of them, but not kill them. I would torture and have them beg for there life or beg to die. But I wouldn’t let them and let them live with themselves, and have to look over their shoulder every single day. Knowing that I could be there to do it all over again.

I hate feeling like this, but somedays I really just want to be evil. Not just “oh my God, you just did a bad thing” kinda evil. Like.. the kind of evil that no one could possibly think I would be capable of doing. I keep thinking about the same fucking thing and I’m fucking mad. I’m angry at them. I’m angry at myself and I’m angry at another. So in total, I’m angry and absolutely pissed at three people. The life I want to destroy, my own and another.

Should I feel this way? Probably not, because it probably will never happen again. But, when this stupid… angry… jealous… pissed off… “want to kill” feeling comes in, it’s already too late. I’m going to explode from this feeling.

Fuck yeah, I’ll keep it bottled up. Fuck yeah, no one will ever fucking know. But when they day comes, when I do explode. And I just HAPPEN to find myself in front of this person I want to destroy… They better run. And run extremely fast. Because I will do nothing less than crumble their world, shatter their life in the palm of my hand…

You want to see what I’m capable of? I don’t think you do. I may the nicest person you know, but you don’t know my anger. Ask around. It’s not a pretty sad. Only 2 people in this entire world has seen me get so mad, that I wanted to kill and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING… I mean, ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING WILL STOP ME.

Know that being nice has it perks… you can get close to a person.. you can even become best fucking of friends… but when that moment opens up… when I can destroy your life… everything you love.. I’ll grab that moment, and I will do it…

I’m fucking PISSED.

And I’m going to enable this feeling of anger… of hate… pissed… toward my goal of becoming Army Strong… Because I will be so much stronger.. faster.. better.. and smarter.

If they don’t pray, they better start. Because they don’t even know what’s coming at them.

Note: This probably will never happen. But I’m that angry where I am visualizing doing it.. And it’s ALMOST enough…. The thought is only satisfying me 80% none at all actually.

AngerPissedOffVentingRealLifeTerribleThoughts

I leave in 13 days… And I’m excited.

But I’m absolutely terrified. I’m scared. I’m sad.

On the other hand, I’m pumped, I’m ready, I want nothing more than to be Army Strong and be something I know I always wanted to be. I’m excited as ever for something. I’m happy to know I’ll be making never-ending friendships with people who will always have my back, no matter what. I’m stoked to make a REAL career and make good money. I’m thrilled I’ll be able to finish my degree without to really worry about having to pay for it.

I’m worried people are going to forget about me. I’m worried I’m going to change significantly, and the people who love me now, won’t love me after Graduation. I’m worried my girlfriend will never want to be with me again because I’ll be gone for so long. I’m worried and scared she’ll find someone else who is better than me and never look at me again. I’m afraid of this… I really am.
She tells me she’ll wait, but there’s this stupid small thing ringing in the back of my head that is bringing me down telling me “No she won’t… Why would she? You both went on break not that long ago and look at what happened… And then once you got back together, you decided to do this. Join the Armed Forces and leave… AGAIN. This is YOUR fault. YOU’RE making her feel sad. YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE. YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO GET.”
Then there’s the never-ending positive side of me that brings me back up, builds me back up “She’ll wait. She loves you with all her heart and soul… With every part of her. You graduate in TEN weeks. She’ll be there to see you become what you always wanted. She may be sad, but on the inside she’s proud of you. Happy for you. She told you she would support you in your decision and she is by letting you go. If she didn’t agree, she would say so. Of course she doesn’t want you to go, who wants to watch their significant other leave to join the Armed Forces and be gone for such a long time? It’s a sacrifice. It’s a higher purpose and you’re doing what you can. You’ll be back holding her again in no time.”

13 Days…. It’s coming so fast. And I’m excited. And I’m nervous.

I’m going to miss the FUCK out of Megan… I’m gonna miss my Mom… I’m gonna miss my little sister and little brothers. I figure if I get the cry out now, I won’t cry when I leave. I refuse to show that type of weakness in front of others. I won’t let myself. I’m too proud to do that.

And I need Megan to know that I love her with all my heart. I really do. And that I’m sorry that I’m leaving her. But I’m not just leaving her, I’m leaving my family too. I’m sorry for leaving, but this is what I want to do. This is what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and I got tired of waiting. I want this. I’ve wanted nothing more than this, besides being with Megan and living a happy and long life with her.

I’m not doing this just for me. I’m doing this for Megan, myself and OUR future. I want to live comfortably. I want to give her everything she has ever wanted. I’m tired of the lame-ass 5-1/-9-5 job that was getting me NO WHERE. I want to travel the world and see what the world is REALLY like besides through biased media voices and fixed camera views…

To anyone reading this… Wish me good luck. Pray for me if you’d like. Because I want to come home safely. I want to be able to look at my girlfriend, whom I love deeply that it hurts so bad I cry, in the eye and tell her “I’m home now, everything will be okay.” I want to come back home in 3 years and 29 weeks after being Active and be with her and my family and tell them all the things I will see.

I won’t let anything or anyone change my mind from this. I’m not backing down and I won’t let stupid little worries and fears stop me from becoming the Soldier I want to be. I will serve this Country and Protect those I love from any threat, domestic or foreign…

I love you, Megan. I love you, Mom. I love you, Milan.

Always,
Your Future Soldier,
Private Liezle Laquidari, 91A1

armyarmystrongfamilygirlfriendscaredworriedordnancecrewusarmyselfbloggingventinglove

So I have like… 29 days left. I remember when I had 79 days left. Dang, it’s coming fast. I’m gonna miss Megan… I’m gonna miss my mom… I’m gonna miss the good ass food. I’m gonna miss my friends.. but I ten weeks, I get to show them I AM Army Strong. And I am going to serve this country. And protect my girlfriend and my family and friends from terrors in the world. I am nervous, but I am excited to be a part of the greatest militant force I the world.

armyarmystrongbasictrainingfortjacksonsouthcarolinaHOOAH